This is me: Ami Mizuno
by Dark Moon Ministry
Summary: Ami Mizuno reflects upon her past, her present, her feelings for her friends and her beliefs in life. A short drabble I made that eventually evolved into a full story.
1. Early childhood

**THIS IS ME: AMI MIZUNO**

**by Dark Moon Ministry**

Disclaimer: I do not own Sailor Moon or any of its characters.

* * *

My name is Ami Mizuno. Most people know me as just a shy bookworm, but there is a lot more beneath the surface than you might expect. I have in fact one more identity: I am the princess of water – Sailor Mercury. Because of the tremendous popularity of the sailor scout team, you could actually say that I am more known among people as a sailor soldier rather than a bookworm. But as you probably already figured out, my identity as Sailor Mercury is a secret, so I am stuck in most people's mind as nothing more than that bookworm, which is kind of okay, I guess.

When most people talk about me, they say I am sweet, caring and polite, but they often remark over how shy I am, and that I take good time before I open up to people. Some of them also admit that they first thought of me as being cold and snobbish due to my silence. These are my personal traits. I am embarrassed to say it, but there is not much I can do about them. I do not mean anything bad with being shy and quiet. I just have to feel I stand on safe ground before I can step closer to somebody.

After getting to know me a bit better, people usually say that I am a much more cheerful person than they first thought. They also say that they sense a certain kind of sadness inside of me. This is actually true. I do bear some sadness inside, though it is not nearly as big as it used to be before. There have been a lot of things in my past that shaped me into what I am today. Many of those things are not so nice to hear about. My life has actually been quite a ride sometimes.

If you want to hear the little story of my life, I will be happy to tell you. Just remember that you have been warned. There are some parts that are not so pleasant...

* * *

**CHAPTER 1: Early childhood; dark clouds by the horizon**

Let me start from the beginning. You might not believe it, but despite all the darkness that filled my childhood, the very earliest days were bright and happy. The first memories of my childhood are warm and sweet. And I still carry them inside my heart. Back in those days, I felt I had everything, and that I did not need anything more.

I was a preschooler. Maybe four or five or something. Mum and dad were still together. And they still loved each other. If I dig deep into my mind, I can still recall a picture of them holding each other while kissing, and then looking into each other's eyes in that special way. That kind of look that only two people in love can give each other. I remember standing behind the door, shyly peeking out watching them. I remember them seeing me, and how embarrassed I felt for interrupting their precious moment. I remember how they laughed and then came and picked me up, and how we all sat down together on the couch. How my dad put me in his lap and stroke my hair. How mum hugged me and said I was their beloved child.

And back then in those days, I had friends. Yes, you heard it right. I had _friends_. Ami Mizuno actually had _friends_ before she met the other Sailor scouts. And I was outgoing. I was social. I was talkative.

In kindergarten, things were so much simpler. You only had to run around being yourself. It did not matter if you were a little overweight, if you had a big nose or if you could not throw a ball. You only had to be yourself and enjoy the company of others. It was before the world started connecting us all to the big machine. The big machine called Society.

It was before the adults started to put the letters A to F on everything we did.

Already at that young age, I was obsessed with knowledge. I was curious about everything, and I wanted to know how everything was. Curiosity is a natural part of a child's life, but for me it was different. Every child loves to see a match being lit and the flame bursting out, but I needed more than that. I wanted to know _how _and _why _the flame burst out as soon as you stroke the match over the side of the matchbox. I had to know how the beautiful, detailed and prospering world around me was constructed. My thirst for knowledge was unquenchable, and mum and dad always encouraged me to learn. Mum had just started her career as a doctor at this point, and she loved her work. Always has. She used to tell me about the human body; where all the organs were located, how they functioned and how they were connected. I could never get enough of it. My mum knew so much, and I admired her for it. My dad also taught me many things. He talked to me about art history and painting techniques. I was equally as curious about art as about medical science.

I was six years old (would turn seven in six months or so), and at last, the day came when I was allowed to enter school. I felt like I was in heaven. Now I could finally get all the knowledge I wanted. I was happy every morning when I woke up, knowing that I would soon be back in school, and I was always sad when I had to leave school for the day. I disliked weekends, because school was closed at that time.

It was here that I started to notice I was different from the other children. And they noticed it too. For the first time in our lives, we knew we were different from each other, and we slowly realized that some of us were worth more than the others.

As school began, the first thing I realized was that everything was so much easier for me than the other children. I was good at learning things, and I wanted to learn. I only needed one single explanation to understand, and I always remembered everything our teacher said. I could read and write long before I entered school. Not perfectly like an adult, of course, but far better than most children of my age. Mum had been reading books with me for as long as I could remember, and I had eagerly taken in all the words, symbols and expressions that were hidden between the pages.

Of course, I had been aware of my intellect already in kindergarten, but back then, such things did not matter. Being able to read was just like being able to run fast or to climb a tree. Some could do it, some could not. Some were good at it, some not so much. It was not important. I was not worth more or less than that boy who hated books but was very good at climbing trees.

School turned all those rules upside down. From now on, it did not matter if you could climb trees. All that mattered was how good you were at reading, writing and calculating things. And soon enough, we children began seeing the cruel results from this merciless system. When I got a test back, there was always a big "A" written on it. When the teacher gave me the test, she always smiled and patted me on the head, saying "Well done, Ami!" or something similar. My friends were not so lucky. They got no A, no kind words and no patting on the head. Instead, they got a sour scolding. It was cruel. They had only tried their best. They had tried to be creative and poured all their heart into the task... and all they got was a scolding.

It really hurt to see how this those children suffered under the system. The children that were so happy and carefree in kindergarten became unhappy. I wanted them to be happy again. I wanted to help them. But at the same time, I could not really understand why they had so many problems with the schoolwork. I must admit that, at this point, I was quite egocentric, being the young, happy child that I was. I actually felt slight disappointment over my classmates for not being as good as me. For me, everything was so simple. I loved the schoolwork and the schoolwork loved me.

Later on, this difference between me and my classmates would turn into a huge gap. However, at this time, I was still living in my little bubble. I sometimes noticed some envy from my classmates, but it never turned into something bigger.

There was, however, one event at this time which I feel I should tell you about. It is an important event because it foreshadowed the darker events that were soon coming.

During kindergarten and through the first year at school, I had a best friend. Her name was Mariko. We always played together after school. Mariko loved to play games of all kinds, and I was no different. I loved everything: physical activities, video games and the quieter, social things. She did too. But over time, Mariko changed. For every time we met, she seemed to grow more distant to me. I noticed it, but I shook it off. I never thought anything would happen.

Then, shortly after we had entered second grade, something did happen. I will always remember that special scene.

* * *

_Me and Mariko sat together in the living room. We were playing a video game together, having played for more than an hour. It was one of those versus games, where two players fight against each other. It was a kids' game; loud noises and flashy colors. Each player controlled a character with big eyes and tried to collect as many balls as possible._

_Frantically pressing the buttons with my small fingers, I steered my player up to a new area on the map. I quickly gathered up the balls hidden there. Once I touched the last ball, a loud fanfare played, and the screen was covered with big, pink letters._

_AMI WINS!_

_"I won," I said, proud of my achievement._

_Mariko stared at the screen for a couple of seconds. She clutched the controller heavily in her tiny hands._

_The screen displayed the statistics of the game so far. At the very top, the number of wins and losses were written in capital, blue letters._

_AMI: 7  
MARIKO: 0_

_"That was fun!" I cheered as I watched the big, blue letters on the screen._

_"Mm..." Mariko hummed quietly._

_"What you wanna do now, Mariko-chan?" I asked my friend._

_Mariko did not say anything. She just sat still, looking at the wall._

_"Mariko-chan?" I said. "Are you okay? Can we play?"_

_"Yeah..." Mariko said, again with that distant voice._

_"Do you wanna play more video games?" I asked her._

_"No..." Mariko answered._

_"Okay? Do you wanna play cards?" I said eagerly._

_"Don't wanna play cards..." Mariko pouted._

_Mariko looked down in the ground, holding her hands close to her body. I could not tell if she was sad or just tired._

_"How about tic-tac-toe? Or guessing games?" I cheered, caught up in my childish joy._

_"I don't wanna play that!" Mariko said. Her voice was a bit louder this time._

_"What do you wanna play then? You can decide," I told her._

_Mariko did not answer. She was still looking at the wall._

_Now I got a little bit worried._

_"Mariko-chan? Are you okay? Are you in pain?" I asked her._

_I was always quick to notice when people did not feel right. I tried to do everything to make them cheer up again. It made me feel like I was a doctor, like my mum._

_I put my hand on her shoulder, but Mariko slapped it away._

_"M-Mariko-chan?" I said with big surprise._

_"I don't wanna play with you anymore, Ami-chan," Mariko suddenly said._

_I was shocked. I opened my mouth and made big eyes._

_"Wh-what?"_

_"I don't like playing with you, Ami-chan!" Mariko screamed. She turned around and stared at me with tears in her eyes._

_"You are always best! You always win! It is always Ami-chan every time! You win all games! You have the best grades in school! You think I am dumb!" Mariko shouted._

_I was devastated._

_"Wh-wh-what? M-Mariko-chan, I..." I stuttered. "I don't think you are dumb! You are kind! You are my friend!"_

_"You think I am dumb! You always wanna win! You wanna make fun of me! You are mean! You are bad!"_

_"B-but I..." I whimpered. "I don't always wanna win...I..."_

_Tears filled my eyes too._

_"You are a liar! You only wanna play games because you win!" Mariko cried._

_"N-Nooo..." I whispered. "We can...Mariko-chan, we can have a running contest...then you can win..."_

_Running was the only thing that Mariko was really good at. The only game where she always came out as the winner._

_"I don't wanna have a running contest, and I don't wanna play with you again! I HATE you, Ami-chan!"_

_Mariko ran away crying. I sat where I was, hearing her footsteps slowly fade away._

* * *

After Mariko had ran away, I sat there alone, confused and afraid. Naive and innocent as I was, I could not understand what had just happened. I never meant to hurt Mariko. I never played with her only to defeat her or make fun of her. I played with her because I loved her. I loved being with her.

For the first time in my life, I understood the meaning of the concepts "winning" and "losing". Of course I had always known that every game had a winner and a loser, but to me, those concepts did not mean anything serious. They were just categories temporarily put on the participants of the game, kind of like the first team is "Team Red" and the second team is "Team Blue", and as soon as the game is over, those labels lose their meaning. To me, the whole point of a game was just to interact socially. I never cared who turned out to be the winner and who turned out to be the loser. That's why I asked if Mariko wanted to have a running contest. But Mariko made me realize that games were about more than just having fun.

It was my first time experiencing how cruel and cold the world could really be. How you could never take anything for granted. How quickly the love you held in your hands could seep away.

Mariko and I never spoke to each other again.

This was the start of a negative spiral. Around this time, other dark clouds started gathering by the horizon. Things started happening at home. My mother and father began having serious issues with each other.

I do not remember exactly when it began, but it went on for a long time. Mum and dad argued. A lot. Their discussions became more intense as time passed. At first, my parents sounded irritated. Then they sounded angry. In the end, when things were heating up, they sounded hateful.

They never went over the edge. They always kept everything tidy and professional, like they do with everything. There were no physical fights, no broken items, no alcohol. But it hurt a lot. Being an eight year old child, hearing your parents, the two persons you love the most in the world, screaming at each other. I will never forget that. They often fought after they had put me to bed. They thought I was asleep, but I always heard everything. I sat there in the darkness, wrapped up in my blanket, holding my teddy bear. I listened to what they said, and I tried to understand why. My eight year old mind could solve mathematical problems. It could spell out words and construct complex kanji characters. But it could not understand why my parents' love for each other had ceased. I loved both of them so much, so why could they not love each other?

Of course, looking back today from a more mature perspective, it is not difficult to see why things happened the way they did, but an eight year old cannot know such things. Today, I rather ask myself why they got together in the first place. How they could even come up with the idea to invest so much into a relationship that was doomed from the very beginning.

I feel I should tell you a bit about my parents. Let's begin with my mother. Mum is a strict and proper career-minded woman. She comes from a rich family, and has had high ambitions all her life. She always got highest grades in every subject in school, and she knew early on that she wanted to be a doctor. I admire her so much for all the hard work she has put into her life, and for actually fulfilling her dream. She is a huge role model for me, in that sense. I also admire that she never allowed society to put her back in her place. When mum became pregnant with me, everybody urged her to quit her job and become a housewife, like most Japanese women. Mum refused. She worked hard, to the point of burning out, to combine her job and her parenting. It was really tough sometimes, but not once did she take out her stress and frustration on me and dad. She always had a smile over for me.

Dad is the opposite. He is relaxed and easy-going. The most important thing in his life is to be free from the pressures of society, to be free to let his artistic side flow. Dad is a painter, and he is very good at it. I admire him equally as much as I admire my mum. I admire how he is willing to accept a life with low prestige and irregular income as long as he has the freedom to do what he wants to do. He truly loves life, and he takes each day as it comes. He has taught me a lot about art and painting, and I can feel his talent within me. While I never intend to become a full-time artist, I occasionally do my own paintings, and my dad loves them. He always tells me how proud he is of my works. That is what I love the most with him. He is always so honest.

These patterns followed through everything they did. Mum loved big cosmopolitan cities. Dad loved nature and the countryside. Mum loved fashionable restaurants and exotic cuisines. Dad would rather eat ramen and curry. Given these very different character traits, and adding to that how strong willed both my parents are, it is not strange how it all ended up.

Dad felt mum was being too pretentious and was working too hard. He could not understand why she had to be a doctor, and could not be satisfied with being just a nurse. He always loathed titles, salary raises, career advancements and such things. Dad always wanted mum to be a housewife and be at home with me. He felt she put too much pressure on me with my studies, and he did not show any enthusiasm whatsoever when my mother finally managed to get the job she had so long desired.

I feel disappointed at my father for being so senseless with my mother. Why could he not understand how important this was for her? Why could he not see that this was my mother's dream, a dream just like he had his own dream? And she never pushed me too hard. It was I who asked her to teach me things. Dad was probably only annoyed with it because he did not understand the subject.

On the other hand, my mother is not without faults. Mum never understood my dad's artistic side. She is not very interested in art, and although she praises my paintings and has learned a lot of facts about art, you can see that her heart is not in it. Mum wanted dad to get a "proper" job. She accused him of loving his paintings more than me and her, and that he was neglecting his own family just to do his own childish things. I always felt that was a very rude thing to say. Dad has _never_ neglected me. His love for me is equally as strong as it was from day one. It is true that after the divorce, I lived with my mum and not my dad, but this was decided mainly out of convenience for all of us. I wanted to go to university and become a doctor, and I had the best chances living in a large city rather than in a cabin out in the woods. Plus, my mum had a high salary and regular income, whereas my dad sometimes had to live on instant ramen for weeks when his paintings failed to catch the interest of people.

Don't get me wrong. I love my parents. I love mum, I love dad, and if they had not been together, I would not exist. But it all feels so strange. It feels so strange to be the product of a failed relationship. I know they both love me dearly, but they do not love each other. Sometimes, I can feel disappointed in both of them. I understand that a divorce probably was the best solution, but sometimes I think they could have tried harder to understand each other's feelings and perspectives on life. I tried to ask both of them what it was that brought them together in the first place, but they could not answer. I really wanted to know, but they always looked so guilty when I brought it up, so I always let it drop.

Growing up with parents who could not keep it together, I have naturally become very shy and insecure myself when it comes to love and relationships. It is not that I do not understand what love is. I have had interests in boys, and I have sometimes had boys being interested in me. I have surely felt that tingle inside my chest. But I have never dared to go through with anything. Anytime I get close to people, I always hear that voice in the back of my head. The voice of self-doubt. The voice that tells me I am entering dangerous waters and must step away. I want to believe in eternal love. I want to be able to throw myself head-first into a relationship and just be me...but it is so difficult. Every time I get close to someone, my intellect keeps telling me about all the possible negative outcomes. _Will he lose interest in me? Will he cheat on me? What if he moves to another city far away,_ and so on. At these moments, I just wish I could shut off my intellect and only listen to my heart. I envy people who can dive head first into love and only follow their instincts. A brain is good in almost all situations, being able to analyze the world in a rational and logical way. The only exception is love. In love, you need to know how to turn off your brain. This is simply because love is not rational. Love is psychosis. Immature, irrational...and beautiful.

Sorry for getting a bit sidetracked. Let us go back to where we were...

So I was in second grade, and my parents finally divorced. I began living with my mum, only seeing my dad a couple of times each month. Being at home felt horrible. The apartment, intended for three people, now only housed two, and the silence hurt my ears. I often heard mum crying herself to sleep.

With my family broken down, living a normal life like a normal kid became very difficult. I desperately wanted someone to talk to about the current situation and the negative feelings I had inside of me, but everywhere I turned, the doors seemed to be closed. Mum and dad had enough of their own problems. I did not dare to approach them in the state they now were in. Looking back today, I guess I also felt partly responsible for what had happened. Maybe it was I who had caused all the trouble for my parents? After all, I was their daughter, a link between them that they were forced to keep. Today I know that it is not my fault, of course, but for an eight year old with limited experience of the world, going through a divorce was a very tough thing to do. There are so many unanswered questions, and with the tiny, little knowledge you have, you fill in the gaps yourself, sometimes in regrettable ways.

Spending time with friends also became difficult at this point. A divorce is sort of a taboo in Japan, so I felt too ashamed to talk about it, especially with the other kids who had functioning families and parents who loved each other. I regret it, because many of my friends saw the signs in me not being myself, and they wanted me to feel better. But my fellow classmates were also eight year olds without any knowledge of the relationships between adults, and they could not offer much more than giving smiles and playing games. Unwise as I was, I gave them the cold shoulder. Given my current situation, I just could not enjoy simple small talk. I had no energy to fake a smile and pretend I felt alright when I did not.

I could not talk to my parents. I could not talk to my friends. So what did I do to ease the pain inside? I withdrew inside myself and my books. Reading was the only thing that brought me any comfort. As long as I had my nose in a book, I could ignore the pain in my stomach. It let me disappear into my own Wonderland. Science was logical. Science was honest. Science never betrayed you. "1 + 1" would always be "2". You could open that basic math book again ten years later, and "1 + 1" would still be "2". I think this is the reason why math is my favorite school subject, and the reason why I specifically want to be a medical doctor, the one that deals with healing the physical body. I would never want to have any of the other professions in the medical business. Being a psychologist, for example, is not suitable for me. The human mind is too abstract. As a psychologist, I would have to see things from other people's perspective, and things would be open for interpretation. But performing surgery on a human body is different. A human heart will always be a human heart. All you have to do is to connect A to B. Simple, logical and honest, the way I like it.

As I grew older and progressed through the educational system, the school put more and more pressure on us children. I for one welcomed that. More school work meant less focus on my personal life. Besides, at this point, I had fully learned how much effort I had to put into my studies if I wanted to accomplish my dream – to become a doctor. I followed this path slavishly, mostly because it was my dream, of course, but in hindsight, I also believe that my hard work probably came from a desire to be appreciated by other people.

Workaholism is one of my personal traits. I have that from mum. It is in my genetic makeup. However, I also think that my environment shaped me in this way. In my mother, I saw the exact same behavior after the divorce as I saw in myself. Mum began working harder. At first, she stayed in the office one or two hours longer every other day. Then she began taking working passes at weekends. Every time she came home from a long day, she was so tired that she just wanted to sleep. Often, she had just bought some pre-cooked food from the convenience store that I had to heat up in the microwave oven and eat alone by myself. She had no time for small talks, like we used to have when I was younger. Back in those times, she seemed to receive energy every time she came home from work, regardless of how intense the day had been. Now, it felt like even smiling drained all her energy. I know why she took up so much work. Her work kept her mind of the sadness of the failed marriage. Mum was never someone who liked to talk about her hard feelings, and most of all, she never wanted to put them on my shoulders. She probably felt guilty for what had happened. I feel sorry for her. I see traces of this behavior even today, any time she is called in to an extra pass and I have to eat dinner all by myself.

So I did the same thing as she. I dug deep down into my books instead of trying to reach out to someone. My teachers were proud of me. They always praised my high grades and my intellect. And I loved when they did. It made me feel wanted. Feel important. It filled the void inside of me that had been left since my parents broke up.

After hearing about the notoriously difficult entering exams of Japan's finest medical universities, mum suggested that I should go to cram school a few days a week to improve my knowledge even further. I liked the idea. School was the only place where I felt safe, and now I finally got something to fill out all those lonely evenings with. I continued the negative circle. I took up more and more school work. I learned more and more skills and intellectual things. Before long, I went to cram school every single evening. In fact, every free spot in my calendar was crammed in with some sort of activity: chess, swimming, art classes... Anything that was intellectual or healthy for your physical body...and did not require social interaction. My teachers praised me even more. I was stuck in the big machine, and I happily fed it with my own life and soul.

With all the school work I had, the distance to my classmates extended rapidly, and eventually, we did not know each other anymore. I never played, I never went to the toy store, I never went to karaoke. Basically, I never did the things that normal young girls do. I was like an adult in a child's body. I discussed chemical compounds and math equations when other girls talked about pop music and TV. All my friends were adults. I began behaving like them, talking like them, acting like them.

When I am here today and look back, I feel some bitterness over how irresponsible the adults were. It is true that I was very positive when they taught me things and that I always encouraged them to teach me more, but somehow, I feel that they should have taken their responsibility and put their foot down. Did they not see how lonely I was? Did they not react when they heard a ten year old using words like "deionized" and "thermodynamic", but did not know anything about the other children in her class?

When I turned eleven, my mother saw an advertisement of another school in a town nearby. This school was a bit more pretentious than the one I currently was in, and the education level and average student grades were very high. The tuition fees were much higher, but mum said that it did not matter. She had recently got a huge raise in salary as she was promoted to a higher position, and she wanted to use the money for something nice for her only daughter. She asked me if I wanted to go there starting sixth grade. My first impulsive thought was, just like most young children, that I did not want to leave my regular school and all my friends. But then I thought about it, and I realized...what friends? I had not had a very good contact with my classmates for several years. Also, my mother very much wanted me to go to a fine school, so I told her that I was okay with it.

And that's when my real horror started...


	2. End of elementary school

**CHAPTER 2: End of elementary school; breakdown and resurrection**

When I first heard about the new school, I felt happy. I thought that with such a good reputation, the other children in that school had to be more like me. I was sure that I would fit in much better there than I had in my old school. I could not be more wrong. What followed was a close case study of the barbarism and cruelty young children can possess.

The very first day, I immediately noticed something cold and strange in the classroom. The air felt thick and putrid. I know it was my imagination, because the school was well off financially and offered spacious and airy rooms with the best cleaning services available. But there just was _something_ there. An aura of fear and hostility. It was like the angst, sadness and anger within all the children had stuck to the walls as years had passed.

On the surface, my class was filled with talented kids who came from fine families and good backgrounds. Underneath, however, those children were nothing more than repressed and stressed out loners who had tremendous amounts of pressure on their shoulders, given to them by their parents and teachers. The only thing that mattered was to be the best. In everything. It did not matter if it was your grades, your hair, your running times in physical education or your social background. In a place like that, there was no room for love and understanding. You were only worth something if you were among the elite. All this, combined with us now entering the age where your body and mind start to develop and you really start comparing yourself to your peers, laid the groundwork for pure terror.

I have never understood how people can praise elitism like that. How can a haircut, a pair of earrings and a couple of letters on a piece of paper be worth more than the heart and soul of a human being? It made me cringe to see how the other children acted towards each other. I was horrified by the way all the girls immediately established a hierarchy, and how slavishly they followed the rules. Every single sentence, every gesture, every move... It was only for the sake of trying to rise in the ranks while stepping on someone else.

The actual schoolwork was not too difficult for me. I was used to studying hard, and I already had a rich background in various academic fields. I followed the jargon of the class and pushed myself as hard as I could, and it gave results. I became the top scorer of the whole class. Straight A:s in every subject. Mum was delighted, and I happily absorbed the kind words she and my teachers gave me, as the love starving child I was.

If you put yourself at the top in such an environment, you are asking for trouble, but I was too naive to understand that. It takes a thick skin to get through alive. I was not thick skinned. I was innocent and fragile, and I only wished the best for everyone. My classmates soon discovered this, and it did not take long until they began to loathe the combination of genius and kindness that I always showed.

While most of the classmates rather ignored me than actively picked on me, there was one girl in particular who had me as her nemesis. She was a ringleader. A typical bully. I have read a lot of literature about the mechanisms of abuse among school children, and I can clearly tell that she and I fit into the patterns perfectly, as oppressor and oppressed, respectively.

Her name was Yuu Hashiguchi. She was quite big for a girl and also for her age, kind of like Makoto is, though not that tall and sturdy. She had several personal problems. She had a lot of pressure on herself to do well in school, but she could never accomplish even half of what was expected from her. Her grades were diminishing the longer we got into the semester. I do not know the cause of this, but I suspect that she had dyslexia, or some attention-deficit disorder, or perhaps both.

Her lacking skills in the classroom naturally caused her a lot of pain and bitterness, especially in this environment, where everything was about being on the top. Her mother was in jail for committing some kind of crime (I never found out what), and everybody in school talked about this behind her back when they thought she was not listening. It must have hurt a lot. She lived alone with her father, and he probably gave her hell at home. Sometimes before a P.E. class, when we were dressing in the girls' changing room, I saw she had bruises on her back and upper arms. I think her dad beat her, but I have no proof for that. I met her dad once, on a day when all parents followed their children to school. I disliked him at first sight. He was completely cold and cynical, a man with a stone-face, a complete dictator. He was working in the loaning industry, specializing in lending money to people who were tangled up in gambling debts and similar things. He was the kind of human that forsakes love and empathy for greed, not caring for a second about how his business was only about taking advantage of people who were addicted to gambling. I guess he viewed his daughter as nothing more than an accessory.

Almost everyone in class was afraid of Yuu, even the boys. Any small comment about her grades or her mother could make her assault somebody in wild rage. She never backed down from a fight, and she rarely lost any of them. As a result of her poor academic skills, her faulty background and her violent behavior, the teachers disliked her, and she had very few friends in school, except for a few loyal persons who functioned as her underdogs. They were probably scared of her, and under constant threat of being bullied themselves. They probably allied with her as a way of getting protection.

In the beginning, Yuu had no real target, and was more of a nuisance to everyone. But it was part of the scenario. She was looking for a prey. The ideal victim, someone she could project all her angst, anger and self-hate onto. And finally, she found one. Me. I remember the incident that made her decide.

* * *

_The air was thick and still. All the children sat in their desks, not saying a word. A girl was chewing her lip, a boy kept rolling a pencil between his fingers, another girl was staring down in the floor, breathing heavily through her wide open mouth._

_It was the day when the tests were returned. Everybody was anxious of how they had performed. A high grade meant more prestige, a higher spot in the hierarchy, and the big chance of a possibility of a treat from your parents. A low grade meant the exact opposite. A dramatic drop in the ranks, and the likely risk of repercussions and disciplinary actions from your environment._

_This was it. This is where everything would be settled._

_I sat in my desk, fidgeting with my pencil, feeling butterflies in my stomach. All my calculations told me I had performed well. I usually did. Regardless, there was always a tiny little moment of suspense just before getting a test back. That tiny moment of uncertainty when you do not know whether you will make the jump or miss the cliff's edge._

_The teacher, Mrs. Tanaka, majestically walked through the classroom. She was an older woman – not too far away from retirement, I guess – with a hair that had already started to gray. She handed out the tests one by one, putting them on her students' desks slowly with extreme precision, most likely to mark how important this test was. She was an old-fashioned teacher. One who demanded respect and obedience from her class. She was probably one of those who missed the days when the teachers had the right to let their students taste the cane._

_She slowly approached my desk. I could feel myself holding my breath. She slowly took out my test paper, holding it with the backside towards me so that I could not see anything that was written on it. It was definitely intentional. She wanted to keep me on the rack in the longest._

_She put the paper down with a small thump. Hard enough to mark the importance of the moment, but still soft and reserved enough not to reveal any thoughts or feelings about whatever result I may have got._

_As soon as she took her hand off the test, I stared at the paper intensely._

_'A'._

_Puuuh... I let out a sigh. I felt my shoulders slump down and the relief filling my body. I had made it again._

_The next minutes I spent skimming through the test, checking the answers I had written and the score I had received. I was satisfied for most part, but I found a few things here and there that I could have written clearer. Oh well, I always find such things._

_I was deep into my own reasoning about the test, when I suddenly heard Mrs. Tanaka clear her throat. Surprised, me and the other students looked up from our tests and onto our teacher._

_Mrs. Tanaka had one last test paper left in her hand. She slowly walked over to a girl sitting on the same row as I, but on the opposite side of the room._

_"Miss Hashiguchi,"_

_It was Yuu. I felt sweat breaking out on my forehead. I knew what was coming, and I hated it. I have always hated it so much._

_Mrs. Tanaka stopped right in front of Yuu. The girl did not look up. She stared down into her desk, letting her shoulder length hair cover her face. But everyone saw the turmoil that was raging inside of her._

_"Miss Hashiguchi, here is your test."_

_Mrs. Tanaka slowly put the test paper on Yuu's desk, and this time she did not conceal the paper from the rest of the class. Everybody saw what was written on the first page. It was so obvious what our teacher was doing. I felt like there was no oxygen in the room._

_'F'._

_A huge, red 'F' was written on the test paper. The lines of the F were drawn so hard that the pen had nearly ripped the paper apart. The thick, red 'F' looked like it was painted in blood. It burnt in the eyes like an unholy symbol of evil._

_"Miss Hashiguchi,"_

_Yuu did not answer._

_"I called your name, Miss Hashiguchi. Will you not answer when your teacher addresses you?"_

_"I-I'm sorry, Mrs. Tanaka..."_

_"Do you see the grade you have received?"_

_"Yes, Mrs. Tanaka..."_

_A tiny smile appeared on Mrs. Tanaka's lips._

_"Are you happy with this grade?"_

_"...No...Mrs. Tanaka..."_

_Her voice was more of whisper._

_"You shouldn't be," Mrs. Tanaka said and made a little pause. She let out a deep sigh. "In fact, you should be ashamed of yourself. Not only are your answers poorly structured and lack any logical reason whatsoever, but you also seem unable to write even a single sentence with proper grammar and spelling."_

_You could see the cringe that went through Yuu's body. It was like she had received an electric shock. Her hands started to shake. Everybody knew about Yuu's problems with spelling words. It was her most sensitive spot._

_"Let us take a look at some of the things you have written," Mrs. Tanaka said. She took Yuu's test paper and held it up close to her face as her eyesight was quite poor._

_My muscles stiffened. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to scream. It was so evil. And it was all intentional. Mrs. Tanaka had planned and rehearsed every single part of this little operation. She was a firm believer in using public humiliation as a punishment, and she probably enjoyed it with all her heart. Sadist! That cold-hearted, soulless sadist!_

_"Water is a chemical 'combond' that is made of atoms..." Mrs. Tanaka cited with a sarcastic voice. "'Combond'? What kind of word is that? Do you mean 'compound', perhaps?"_

_Quiet giggles could be heard from the back. No one dared to insult Yuu face to face, but when they could hide in the masses, they had no problems laughing at her misery._

_"...and what is this ridiculous passage about water being 'made of atoms'?" Mrs. Tanaka continued. "We already know that a compound is being made of atoms, Miss Hashiguchi! The question was about __**what**__ specific elements water is made from, namely 'hydrogen' and 'oxygen'!"_

_More chuckles. Louder this time. Mrs. Tanaka smiled. Yuu did not say a word. She was quivering, her head hanging down._

_"And what about this grotesque overuse of hiragana characters?" Mrs. Tanaka angrily said. "The Japanese language has three alphabets, Miss Hashiguchi. Three! Not just two. You should know how to write the words properly with kanji characters, instead of just spelling them phonetically with hiragana. Your command of kanji characters is worse than that of a first grader in elementary school. You should be ashamed of yourself!"_

_I had already shut the world out. I could not stand seeing a girl having her soul ripped to shreds._

_Then, something most unexpected happened._

_"I cannot believe the huge contrasts we have in this class," Mrs. Tanaka said to her students. "On one hand, we have Miss Hashiguchi here who obviously is too lazy to learn how to use kanji, let alone even spelling correctly...or maybe she is just dumb."_

_The classmates laughed again._

_"...but on the other hand..." Mrs. Tanaka continued, this time with a much softer voice. "...we have Miss Mizuno over here."_

_What on earth...! My mind exploded. I opened my eyes and stared at Mrs. Tanaka in shock._

_Mrs. Tanaka walked over to my desk. She looked at me with tender eyes. Then she stroked my hair. I stiffened. Why was she involving me into this? I had nothing to do with Yuu and her test!_

_"Look very carefully, Miss Hashiguchi," Mrs. Tanaka said cruelly. "This is Ami Mizuno. She is intelligent. She is well-mannered. She has discipline."_

_Massive fear rushed through my mind. No...no! She could not do this!_

_"Miss Mizuno has the highest grades in all subjects. Not only do her test answers shine from her extreme logical precision, but they are also a work of art. Her answers read like poetry. Every single syllable has a life of its own, and together they form a perfect unity."_

_Mrs. Tanaka patted me on the head with her thin, skinny hand full of wrinkles. I wanted to sink through the floor. I wanted to die._

_"Miss Mizuno's comes from a fine family. Her mother is a doctor who saves lives. Her father is an artist famous for his paintings. You can tell that the intelligence and the artistry flow through her veins. Her parents' skills and talents are in her blood. You should learn from her, Miss Hashiguchi. Study her, and you might become a better human being."_

_Mrs. Tanaka was done with her little game. With one last triumphant look at Yuu, she moved back to her desk in the front._

_I was white in the face. I did not say anything._

_After a long moment, I slowly turned my head and looked at Yuu._

_She was staring at me. There was no life in her eyes anymore._

_That was when I knew I had got an enemy. An enemy for the rest of my life._

* * *

Even to this day, I feel such an immense anger towards that teacher. I know that one should forget and forgive and move on and leave the past behind, and normally I am good at this, but this one is just too dark for me to let go. How can a teacher do such an evil thing? There is nothing pedagogical in that. It cannot even be called "tough love" (a term which I despise, by the way). It is just plain sadism, nothing more.

So from that day, I naturally became Yuu's primary target. By unfortunate circumstances or maybe by a bizarre coincidence, I was also the perfect victim. I did not fight back. I did not stand up for myself. I shut up and took it all, and I never ever blabbed about what happened.

Today, I feel some anger towards myself for my behavior at that time. Even though the victim is not to blame, I am fully aware of that my own silence and passive behavior gave Yuu total freedom to do whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted to. That is usually how it is in a situation of bullying. The victim is almost always a shy and gentle person who does not object to the oppressor's actions. I was no exception. I know that I should have told my parents of what was going on, but I did not have the heart to do so. Dad lived far away, and mum seemed so sad and stressed that I did not want to bother her with my own problems.

Yuu's methods mostly came down to verbal abuse and an extremely hostile, fear-inducing attitude. She wanted to hurt me emotionally rather than physically. She rarely did anything physical, and if she did, it was only mild violence. Pushing me up against the wall, pulling my hair...you know the deal. No punching, no kicking, but painful and humiliating, nonetheless. By the way, did I say "mild violence"? God, I hate that term so much. It makes it seem less dramatic than it really is. "Come on! Don't be such a crybaby! Get up and smile!" Those are the signals that term sends out. It masks the fact that all violence is wrong, and hurts people regardless of how intense it is.

Anything Yuu found could be used against me. My paintings, my high grades, my shy personality... She dug up as much as she could of my background. When she found out that my parents had divorced, she happily used this against me. Whenever she taunted me about this, I could not keep my tears inside. This was still an open wound. Yuu loved to make me cry. It was often the primary goal of her little operations. Once she had made me break down, she usually left me alone.

Even though I hate what Yuu did to me during those years, I still feel sorry for her. I can understand why she hated me so much. I was everything she was not. I was sweet, neat and gentle, and adults loved me; I had top grades; I had a mother who was a doctor with a good reputation; I had a future. And believe it or not, Yuu and I share something. We were both scarred emotionally at a very young age. I lost my faith in functioning relationships; she lost her faith in the good in all of mankind. But there was also one big difference between us: I learned to comply with the system; she did not. As a result, the system crushed her. There were only two ways for her. Either she would get tormented, or she would become the tormentor. Either die, or fight back. She chose the latter.

Anytime I think of Yuu, I cannot help comparing her to queen Beryl. In Beryl, I saw the same sadness and torment as I did in Yuu. I guess that is what happens when a human being feels unwanted by the rest of the world. All that anger and jealousy eventually consumes your mind until there is nothing more left but hate.

Yuu's main goal was to turn the whole class against me. I guess the reason for that was to direct the other people's hate away from her and onto me. Even though the class was not very friendly towards me, they disliked Yuu a lot more. She knew this, and she wanted to make someone else the scapegoat. She looked for every single opportunity she could find. For a long time, her attempts were in vain. Apart from the few people following her, she did not have much support from the rest of the class. She could rarely find an opening, but eventually, she found a way to achieve what she wanted. She did this by using the most deadly weapon of all. A weapon that in the history of humans has caused numerous crimes, wars and broken hearts: money.

It was during the summer break, right after the first semester had ended. We were going for a class trip together to Kyoto. I loved Kyoto and really wanted to see it. I was curious about the ancient architecture and beautiful buildings. Despite that I was lonely, I felt happy with the trip. Soon, however, it would turn into hell.

My mother had given me money for the trip. It was to be used in case I wanted to buy something in Kyoto, something for myself, or a gift for someone else. All other costs, such as hotels, bus tickets and food had already been paid by my parents. Perhaps in a weak moment of guilt over her big absence of lately, mum had given me an outrageous amount of money: 20,000 yen. 20,000 yen is a crazy amount of money for such a purpose, especially considering my age and the purpose of the trip. I did not want that much money, nor did I need it, but my mother insisted, and as usual, I did not object.

Money was a sensitive thing in my class. To be part of the inner circle, you had to have all the right accessories and items, and that cost money. The more money you had, the more power you could get. However, there was a thin line that you could not step over. No one was allowed to have sums that were way above the other children in class. If you ever did that, you lost your status as a popular person, and were declassed into a "snob". I had never tried to get into the inner circle, and I rarely carried any cash on me except for some lunch money, so no one really knew how rich I was.

I do not know how it happened, but for some reason, Yuu found out about the huge amount of money I carried. She realized immediately that this was her golden moment, and she unleashed her secret plan with devilish perfection.

It was in the afternoon at the hotel, I think it was the second or third day of the trip. Almost the whole class had gathered in the lounge, playing their parts in the same old hierarchy play as they always did. I was not there myself. I had retreated to another room and was reading a book about Kyoto architecture.

I was sitting there, reading my book, when suddenly Yuu came in with a couple of her henchmen in tow. I immediately got that cold feeling inside my stomach. Why could she not just leave me alone? Timid as I was, I immediately entered my passive, defenseless state that I always went into every time Yuu attacked me. I knew this would take a while, so I quickly closed my book and put it down, placing the bookmark between the pages I had been reading. If Yuu would see the book in my hand, she might get some funny ideas, like taking it away or ripping it apart.

But this time something was different. She had a different look in her eyes. More vile than usual. She grinned at me with her classic evil smile. She told me I had a "meeting" with the rest of the class out in the lounge. I was very confused by this. Yuu usually never wanted to do her stuff out in the public. She always attacked me at specific, hidden locations. Locations were you could be left alone. She grabbed me by the hair and pulled me out to the lounge. Whimpering of the pain, I followed her without protesting.

* * *

_The children had gathered in the lounge room. There was a constant chatter in the air._

_"Oooh, I don't know what I should buy! Girls, help me out please!" a girl named Risa blurt out. She was pretty, but not really attractive. The earrings she wore were made out of fake gold and jewels. She was one of those girls who tried to be posh, but would never have a chance of winning the race._

_"What's it all about?" her friend Megumi said. She was a bit chubby and wore glasses. She was part of the weeds in class, one of those kids who have to play the part of the clown or laughing stock. You could easily tell that Risa and Megumi did not like each other for real. Risa tolerated Megumi only because she needed people like her around her in order to look better than she really was. Megumi, on the other hand, stayed with Risa because she knew she would otherwise be completely alone._

_"It's about money, dummy!" Risa snarled at Megumi. "I only have 1,800 yen, and I want to buy an album or a beautiful bracelet. Which one should I get?"_

_"I-I'm sorry," Megumi said, blushing. "I don't really know which one would be best to buy..."_

_"You rarely know anything, do you?" Risa said with a sarcastic smile._

_"Heh...I guess so..."_

_Megumi did her best to fake a smile, but you could see the humiliation in her eyes._

_"I would say the bracelet," another girl suddenly cut in. Her name was Mira. She was a natural beauty. She had long and thick flowing hair, and a cute, childish face just like those teenage pop idols. She was one of the highest in the hierarchy in class._

_"That album is very good, of course," Mira continued. "...but you can always buy that album back home in Tokyo. That bracelet, on the other hand, is only sold here in Kyoto. You were aware of that, weren't you?" Mira raised one of her eyebrows at Risa._

_"Oh... Yes, of course I knew that! I just forgot. You are totally right as always, Mira," Risa quickly said. Her eyes began to shine and her heart was pounding faster. Getting attention from someone in the upper stratum in the class meant everything, and Risa was always quick to kiss someone's feet if she had to. Megumi said nothing. She just looked down in the floor. She knew she would never have a chance of having a conversation with a girl like Mira. She quietly swallowed her humiliation and played her part the way she was supposed to._

_The girls' game of thrones was interrupted as the new company barged in._

_"Hey, everybody!" Yuu said cheerfully as she entered the lounge room with me and her henchmen in tow._

_The other students ceased their activities and looked up at us. I saw some confusion in their eyes, but no surprise. They did not care much for what happened to me, but they were not very fond of Yuu either, so this was probably annoying for them as well._ _Yuu let go of my hair. I stood where I was, my back slightly bent, rubbing my aching head with my hand. Yuu's henchmen, hiding cowardly behind their ringleader, giggled at my misfortune and the excitement of the scene that was to follow._

_"What do you want, Hashiguchi?" a boy named Shin asked. He was quite intelligent, good looking and wore fashionable clothes. Another one of the high ranks. He knew the importance of keeping the distance to low-lives like Yuu in order to maintain his social status, but he was also smart enough not to provoke her._

_The whole class basically followed Shin's lead. No one of them liked any of us, and they did not want to waste any time with such garbage._

_"I'm sorry to bother you all," Yuu said politely and made a quick, clumsy bowing. She was clearly not used to such polite and social behavior. "I just wanted to show you something interesting. It will only take a minute."_

_She grabbed my purse and opened it. I stared at her in confusion. Her henchmen grabbed onto me, making sure I would not leave the scene until it was over._

_"Now what?" Shin sighed, obviously bored and irritated at Yuu's barbaric, abusive nature. Simple harassment was too uncivilized for a fashionable cynic like him. He wanted Yuu's little coup to end as soon as possible._

_"I found out that Mizuno's mum gave her daughter some money for this class trip," Yuu said, her voice trembling a bit from all the adrenaline pumping inside of her. "As you may know, Mizuno's mum is a doctor, and very very rich..."_

_"Maybe, but so what?" Shin said._

_Yuu put her hand down in my purse and pulled up all the money I had. My heart screamed inside my chest._

_She held up all the money bills in front of the class, neatly folded in a hand fan shape so that no one would miss what the total sum was._

_"20,000 yen! Can you believe it?" Yuu cheered. "Mizuno got 20,000 yen in cash for this trip! Just like that! Just like some pocket money! If she can get that, imagine how high her monthly allowance is!"_

_Dead silence spread over the room._

_Everybody was staring at me. Even the rhetorical Shin was at a loss of words._

_"I am putting back all the money as they were," Yuu said and carefully put the bills back in my purse so that everybody could see it. "I am not stealing any of the money, see?"_

_The last thing she wanted was to ruin this moment by being accused of being a thief, having done this only to scrape up some extra cash._

_It felt like time stood still. It was like the atmosphere could explode any second. No one really knew how to handle the situation._

_Finally, someone spoke up. It was Risa. She stared at me with venom in her eyes._

_"Well... with 20,000 yen you can very well buy both an album and a bracelet..." she growled, her voice thick from jealousy._

_Once the wall of silence had been torn down, a murmur started spreading among the students._

_"20,000 yen... That's crazy!"_

_"Mizuno is filthy rich!"_

_"That's why she never speaks to anyone! She probably does not want to be with people with less money than her!"_

_The chatter grew in volume. I felt the blood pumping in my ears._

_"What a little snob!"_

_"She has the highest marks in all subjects also!"_

_"She always butters for the teachers too, doesn't she? She's their little pet!"_

_"She thinks she is better than us!"_

_"I bet she thinks of us as scum."_

_Shin, the experienced smooth talker, quickly took on the lead role once the pattern had established itself._

_"So, Mizuno... How big is your monthly allowance?" he said._

_He smiled at me, the malicious intent showing in his eyes. The other classmates stopped buzzing and now eagerly waited for my reaction._

_I did not answer. I just stared down in the floor._

_"I asked you a question, Mizuno," Shin said sharply._

_"Answer, you little snob!" Yuu shouted and pushed me in the back. She was jittering of excitement. She could barely hide how happy she was for having succeeded in launching the campaign against me._

_I just stood where I was, unable to cope with all the hate. I felt like a victim at the inquisition._

_"Maybe she does not want to talk to her classmates? Maybe she considers herself more important than the rest of us? Could that be it?" Shin said, partly to the class, partly to me._

_"What a disgusting little snob..." Mira said. "A mother who is a doctor, a father who is an artist... Straight A:s in everything... You're every teacher's little baby! 20,000 yen in pocket money, what is that? I bet you wipe your ass with 1,000 yen bills too!"_

_Massive laughter from everyone._

_"Some people just live to show off to others," Risa said angrily. "That's all you want to do, right, Mizuno? The only thing you think of is how you can shine in front of everyone, how you can make others feel inferior and worthless! You only study hard because you want to rub those A:s in our faces!"_

_I stared at Risa in shock. My ears could not believe what they were hearing. Why would I study only to show off? Was she not the one who always wanted to step on someone else's face if it could make her reach higher?_

_"She probably brought the 20,000 yen to this trip only to boast for the rest of us," Shin declared with a smile._

_I could not get a word out. I shook my head violently. It was the most twisted and perverted form of evil I had ever experienced. My classmates took the truth and bent it to fit their own needs._

_"You cynical, sadistic creep!" Risa spat out, completely forgetting to mask the brutality of her true character._

_"You greedy, spoiled little goody-two-shoes," Mira said in her cold and elegant manner._

_"Stupid snob!" Megumi added, imitating her classmates like she always did, yet always coming out as plump and inferior._

_The insults hit me lashes from a whip. I quivered for every word they shot at me. I put my face in my hands. I could not look into their hateful eyes._

_More and more of the children joined in the public humiliation. I felt like I was being stoned to death for having committed heresy. That was exactly how it was. The insults hit me like rocks in the face. The foul words of my classmates echoed in my ears like a religious chanting. All the fear, anger and humiliation that this cruel world had put into the souls of these poor children could now be directed upon one single target._

* * *

That was too much for me. I could not handle it. I could not believe what was happening. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I only wanted friends, and I had always been honest. Always been myself. And this was my punishment.

I began crying. I stood where I was, with tears pouring out of my eyes. I did not care if everyone saw. I was devastated by the anger and hostility they gave me. It was not my fault that my mother was rich. It was not my fault she was a doctor. I did not get good grades only to shine for the others. I had only lived my life the way I wanted to. I had only been myself, and that was exactly what they hated. They hated what I was. They hated _me_.

Wiping the tears away with my hand, I looked at Yuu's face. I will never forget what I saw. In her eyes, I saw relief and satisfaction. She looked at me triumphantly, like she had finally succeeded. At last, she had turned me into something that was worse than her. She had pulled me down to her level and was now free to trample me in the face. Now she could finally experience the pleasure only someone who has been trampled on her whole life feels. How could a person harbor such a deep hate for another human being? How could a person be so happy with seeing pain in someone else's eyes?

After that, I was made into the enemy of the whole class. I had broken the sacred rules. The bullying of me now became something widely accepted. While most of the class still did not do anything actively, they all accepted what happened, and they all felt I deserved it.

Yuu was delighted. She was no longer the trash of the class, and now she had an unspoken acceptance from the other children to do with me whatever she pleased. Her newfound power almost drove her insane. Her abuse of me slowly escalated. She could now do her perverted little games out in the open, in front of the rest of the class, as long as no adults were present. It was freaky seeing the reactions of my classmates. Some of them at least had enough shame and dignity in their hearts to leave us alone. Then there were the others. They just stood there looking on. And they were amused. They were watching like it was some kind of freak show at a circus, like it was the daily episode of their favorite comedy show on TV.

Those bastards. Those horrible, evil bastards. I can never forgive them. They just stood there watching me, without lifting a finger to help. They were watching a human being getting ripped to pieces, and they felt nothing about it.

That was it. I started to die. The last hope in my life was fading away. Not even my books could give me any comfort anymore. It was now confirmed to me that life no longer could offer anything good. Everywhere I turned, I only saw abuse, hatred and coldness. My classmates hated and disowned me, my mother never had time for me, and my teachers cared about nothing but my grades. There was no genuine love anywhere, no intimacy, no empathy, no trust, no understanding. There was only greed, reputation, scores, humiliation... I started to lose hope. Hope in life, in mankind, and the future.

I stopped caring about the world and myself. Even the daily things in life became meaningless. I started to neglect my own hygiene; I did not wash my hair for days. I gradually ate less and less. I spent my free time lying in bed staring at the roof. Slowly, I was falling apart.

Puh...forgive me for filling you in with all these horrific details. I just wanted to give you the honest story of my life. This is how it was. However, after every dark night, there is sunrise. And after all the darkness, my life came to a turning point. Bear with me just a little longer, and I will tell you how I learned to love life once again.

The turning point happened when I had a nervous breakdown at home. It was at the second half of the last semester in sixth grade. Final exams were coming up, and the stress and tension in school were enormous. Yuu had no chance of passing them, and everyone knew this. Her desperation and vanity made her abuse grow to extreme proportions. At a certain point, my mind could not take it anymore. I was at home, standing in the kitchen, when the world suddenly started spinning. My legs could not hold me up anymore. I tried to hold on to the kitchen table, but lost my balance and fell down. Then, out of the depths of my heart, came a tsunami composed of all the sorrows I had gathered up in my life. The repressed feelings hit me all at once. I began screaming. I sobbed hysterically, tears frantically bursting out. I was so afraid. I could not breathe. I pounded on the walls, screaming of fear. I had been pushed to the point where I could not take it anymore.

Then, by sheer coincidence, mum came home from work, earlier than expected. She was shocked finding me there on the kitchen floor, completely hysterical. She rushed over to me, kneeled down and pulled me close. I eagerly put my arms around her shoulders and wept like a baby with all my heart into her chest.

I had missed it so much. The warmth of my mother's body as she held me, as if she wanted to protect me from the world. For how many years had I been without this? I could not recall the last time I had hugged my mother so tightly. I think I never did since my parents divorced...

I calmed down after a while, stopped sobbing and shaking. Mum still held me as we were sitting on the floor together. Then she slowly touched my hair; moved the greasy strands away from my face, and wiped the tears of my cheeks. She looked me into the eyes and asked me, with a very thick and weak voice, what was wrong.

I realized that it was the first time in many years I had heard her using that voice, and seen her looking at me with those eyes. That voice and eyes of a parent who is really worried for her child.

It finally opened the doors me and mum had closed around our hearts. That evening, we had a long talk. I finally told mum everything. I told her how lonely I was, how sad I was that she and dad had broken up, and what had been going on the last year in school. Mum was devastated to hear it, and she felt so guilty about her own neglect of me.

Mum asked for forgiveness for her own selfishness. She finally admitted to me how horrible she had felt with the divorce, and what intense guilt she had felt over what she had forced me to go through. She had hated herself for a long time, and had felt that she had betrayed her only daughter. Then she said something that I never thought she would. She did something that I will never forget.

Mum said that she was ready to quit her job to spend more time with me. If that was what I wanted and needed to be happy, she would sacrifice her whole career in a blink of an eye. She was even ready to call the hospital here at once and tell them she would resign. With a voice full of strength and conviction, she told me that nothing was more important to her than my health and well-being.

And that was all I needed. I knew mum was serious. If my mum, the hard-working career woman, was willing to drop everything she had worked so hard for building up all these years, then there was nothing but sincerity inside her heart. I realized that honesty still existed in this world. The trust, empathy and love I had lost faith in were not gone. Deep inside my mother's heart, they still existed.

Crying like a little child, I told mum that I loved her so much, and that I did not hate her for leaving dad. I told her that I of course did not want her to sacrifice her career for me. I told her how much I admired her for all her hard work, and that she was my biggest role model, and an endless source of inspiration for me. The only thing I wanted and needed was a mother who was open with all her feelings and gave her child genuine love and support. I was tired of all the lies, all the silent suffering. I did not care for presents, money, trips to holiday resorts and all those things.

After that day, things changed rapidly. Mum pulled me out of the school at once. For the rest of the semester, I had a private tutor at home, which enabled me to receive all the credits I needed to be able to graduate properly. Mum also reduced the amount of working hours as much as she could. There were of course certain tasks that she could not leave out, where her medical expertise was absolutely necessary, but I did not mind. As long as my mother was being honest, I had no problems with eating dinner alone. In fact, I took pride in knowing she was saving the lives of people at the hospital.

Whenever she managed to get a few days of vacation, she did not order a luxurious trip to a tourist resort, as she had always done in the past. Instead, she just spent her vacation with me. We took a walk around in Tokyo, sat in a café talking for hours, went to the cinema to watch some dumb movie. I loved it so much. It was everything I ever wanted. Simple and sweet love between a mother and daughter.

Mum did another thing that I did not expect she would do, and it made me admire her even more. Some days after the evening of my breakdown, my mum took a trip on her own to dad's cabin in the woods. She stayed there over the night. When she came back the following evening, her eyes were very red and swollen. She had obviously cried a lot. She told me she had had a long talk with my father. I guess they had been talking things through. Mum never told me exactly what they had said, but I did not need to know. I could see that my mother felt so much better afterwards, and my father was also much happier the next time I saw him. Naturally, they did not get together again. They were clearly not meant for each other. A reunion was never the intention with their talk, and I accepted this, but now they had at least no more bitterness towards the other one. After that day, mum actually started to praise dad's artistic talent, and dad told me that my mum was a strong and independent woman I should be very proud of.

I have never been happier than when I heard my parents saying that.


	3. Early teenage years

**CHAPTER 3: Early teenage years; my friends and my mission**

After graduating from elementary school, mum asked me what I wanted to do. She told me that I was free to choose any path I wanted to take. If I wanted to continue with a private tutor at home through junior high, I was free to do so. If I wanted to go back to school, I could choose any school anywhere. I could take the cheapest, most lowly rated school if I wanted. Anything, as long as I was happy. I thought about it for a long time, but eventually decided that I could not hide in my own home all my life. The recent change in my life and the relation to my parents had made me stronger, and I was willing to try a normal school one more time. When searching for schools together with mum, I stuck on a school located in Azabu-Juuban. Somehow, I felt inside my heart that this is where I wanted to go. It was almost as the school was calling for me. Being where I am today, I guess that my destiny in meeting the other scouts was what drew me there.

So when the spring semester started in April, at the age of twelve and a half, I began first grade in junior high in the Azabu-Juuban school. Naturally shy and timid, I kept a low profile the first time, gradually getting used to the environment and surroundings. It did not take long until I felt that this school was a place where I really wanted to be. It was so different from my previous school. You could feel the love in the air every time you stepped through the school gates. The children seemed to be genuinely happy. They fooled around and pulled pranks at each other like all teenagers do, but you could tell that they only did it with good intent. The teachers could be strict, and would not hesitate on scolding their students if they had not done their homework, but it was because they only wished them the best.

At Azabu-Juuban, no one picked on me. I could fully concentrate on my studies, and relax and be myself. The joy of learning quickly returned. The teachers loved me, and always gave me good moral support. Juuban was an oasis where I could feel happy.

The first year, I did not have so much contact with my classmates. It is not because they were freezing me out or anything. Not at all. My classmates were kind and sweet and were curious about who I was. The only problem was that I came with a lot of baggage from my past. I had been betrayed by so-called friends all my life, and my fears of being betrayed once again made it difficult for me to open up. Besides, all my interactions with adults and science books over the years had changed my way of speaking and behaving. I did not share the same language and behavior as children of my age, making my classmates think of me as a bit of a weirdo. They were however always respectful of me, and never taunted me for who I was. For the time being, I was fine with being alone. I was happy living in my little bubble of studies, kind-hearted teachers and good relations to my parents.

My life continued in this steady pace until the middle of the second year. Then, something very special happened. Something that changed my life forever, in not only one, but two different ways.

That is when I met my first real friend: Usagi Tsukino.

I will always remember that day. I was walking home from school, when suddenly a cat with a crescent moon on her forehead fell down on my head. I have always loved pets, but I lived in an apartment and mum was allergic, so I could never keep one. The cat seemed to take a liking of me, and I fondled her, gently brushing her soft fur (little did I know she was at that time suspecting me to be a demon!). Then comes rushing down the street a blonde whirlwind by the name of Usagi Tsukino.

Usagi Tsukino. That was really her name. At first I thought it was some kind of dumb joke. "The rabbit of the moon", eh? Who names their daughter "Tsuki no usagi" anyway? However, after only a few seconds with this girl, I understood how appropriate the name was.

Usagi was so unique it was almost unreal. She was like a cartoon character. She had her long hair rolled up in a giant odango. She was a crybaby, and ditzy beyond belief. She was the most naive and clueless person I have ever met. But more than anything else, I felt something very special in her. She was pure honesty. There was not a single feeling inside of her that was not honest. And she was loving. She was caring. She loved everyone. And everyone loved her.

Words cannot express how much Usagi means to me. I could give my life for her (and not only because she is the moon princess I have sworn to protect). Usagi is my first friend, but she is much more than that. She is the one solemnly responsible for me coming out of my shell, gaining so many new friends, making me believe in life and eternal love again. In her, I see something that I thought I would never see again. I see the happy memories from my earliest childhood. The time when everything was bright and beautiful, when mum and dad were together, when life was only about living and enjoying yourself. Usagi is the manifestation of a world that I had lost. A world that I thought all human beings left behind when they grew up.

Usagi is the proof that love will never die. There are never any lies or hidden agenda in what she does. She may be a crybaby and jealous of people, but at least she does not pretend to be happy and suffer in silence. It is just like when she makes those long speeches before us scouts head into a fight. My other friends think they are corny, and maybe they are, but I love when Usagi makes them. I love them because Usagi really believes in what she is saying. After my troubles in the past, I cannot stand people who are dishonest and untrue, and that is why I love Usagi so much.

This was the first way my life was changed. The second way it changed is a lot more practical, but very big and important nonetheless.

Shortly after meeting Usagi, I was discovered to be the second (or actually, the third) Sailor scout: Sailor Mercury. I think it goes without saying that this change was _quite_ remarkable, and that my life was completely different ever since. I will not talk a lot about the technical aspects of this profession here. You probably know everything about it already.

Needless to say, however, my new profession as a sailor scout brought some additional changes to my personality and my self-esteem. For the first time in my life, I had the physical strength to make a difference. Meeting Usagi gave me a boost in my mental power, but it is a whole different thing to actually get concrete tools you can use to fight evil. Now I could do more than just standing there saying that the things evil men do are wrong. Now I could also blast them with a ray of water if they refused to cease their activity. Not only does this protect innocent people from harm, but it is also a true ego boost to know that I possess such heavy strength, despite my tiny body. And yeah, my spells are physically the weakest of all the scouts, I know that. Still, I can do a thing or two if I have to.

It is interesting that I was chosen as the princess of water, because I had always had a feeling that this element belonged to me. For as long as I can remember, I have always loved this aquatic essence. I quickly learned how to swim as a little kid, and I loved to read about the sciences associated with water. Sometimes, I swear I could hear the ocean talking to me, and that I could feel the streams of the ground water pulsate through the earth, as if they were my own veins. Before I turned out to be the warrior of water, I always regarded these sensations as day dreaming or my mind playing tricks on me, but now I know that there was a deeper connection between me and the element.

Maybe I should say something about the other girls? One thing is for sure, I love them all dearly. It is interesting how close we five are, considering that we are actually quite different from each other. We all have different backgrounds and interests, and last but not least: different temperaments. This especially sometimes leads to heated conflicts between some of us, but at the end of the day, we always stick together.

The first one who came aboard after I had joined is Rei Hino – the priestess of fire. At first, I was a bit nervous around her. She is very strong willed, and her temper is quite unpredictable, just like her element. Sometimes she is calm, collected and warm-hearted. Then she suddenly bursts out in fierce rage, and you certainly do not want to be the target of that anger. More than anyone else of us, Rei has a strong feeling of duty and wants everyone to do their best at all times. This sometimes gives Usagi a hard time, being that she is lazy and a bit of a crybaby. In the beginning, I hated the fights between Rei and Usagi. Well, in a way, I still do. I always feel pain inside my heart when I hear two people yell at each other. It is probably the memories of my parents fighting in the night that haunt me. However, over time, I have learned that the relation between my two friends is more complex than I first thought. Rei loves Usagi, and no one is more protective of her than the guardian of fire. Rei only wants Usagi to do her best, and is constantly worried that she will be harmed in battle if she does not pay attention enough. That is why she often scolds Usagi. Being the crybaby she is, Usagi throws a tantrum for every single reprimand she gets, which makes it look like she is dying of anger and sorrow. After only a few moments though, she is happy again. Even though I still cringe a bit when they fight, I have learned to live with it, and now I have no real problems whenever it happens. There is also one more dimension: Rei and Usagi love to tease each other. It is their way of social interplay, and there are no bad intentions behind. They are sometimes just like twin sisters.

It took me some time before I learned the complexity of friendly relations. At the very beginning, I had difficulties seeing the difference between a rude insult and friendly teasing. When my friends tried to tease me, I was shocked and did not know how I should react, and they were worried that they gone too far and hurt me for real. I feel a little embarrassed about this today. I must have been a difficult person to be with. Over time, I became confident enough that I could learn that teasing was not dangerous, and I could both give and take some without feeling like the world crumbled.

People sometimes say that I feel too much, but that is just how I am. As I mentioned earlier, I have never been the thick-skinned kind of person, although I am stronger nowadays. After living down in the abyss for so long, seeing how cruel human beings can be to each other, even a tiny little amount of kindness almost makes me cry of happiness. That is how it is if you have lived without a protective shell for so long. Anything people say to you goes directly into your heart unfiltered. That is why I always get so hurt when humans give me evil, and always float on little fluffy clouds anytime someone gives me true love.

After a while, we found the fourth sailor scout – Sailor Jupiter, alias Makoto Kino. When I first met her, I was astonished. I had never seen such a big fourteen year old girl before. Makoto is a true powerhouse (both in her sailor form and in private). She loves arm wrestling, martial arts and tough physical exercises. However, what truly surprised me was that beneath that hard shell and those packs of muscles, she is actually a very feminine and soft lady who loves things like flowers, cooking and cleaning. Funnily enough, Makoto is both the most masculine and the most feminine member of our group. She is the strongest and most aggressive warrior of us all, but at the same time one of the most sentimental when it comes to fluffy things such as love stories and soap operas.

It took a while for me to build up a good relation to Makoto. In the beginning, I found it hard to cope with her temper, her immense strength and her past. Makoto has had a tough life, and she has been through quite a few things. When it comes to handling the conflicts of your past, she is the complete opposite of me. Makoto has all the thick skin that I could never acquire. Sometimes I feel her skin is a bit too thick. One thing that was hard for me to accept was the fact that she used to fight with other students at her previous schools. I could not help it, but Makoto's huge stature and her past made me recall my painful memories of Yuu. Now, however, I know very well that Makoto is nothing like Yuu. Makoto may be muscular and aggressive, but she is an extremely caring and just person. She fights to protect the ones she loves, never to hurt somebody else. It is true she used to be involved in brutal fights when she was younger, but it was always either to protect someone weaker or to protect herself. She never started a fight, and her way of fighting was always fair. She never beat people who were defenseless, and she always stopped when they gave up.

I am reluctant to admit it, but Makoto made me realize that violence unfortunately sometimes is necessary in order to protect the ones we love. I still dislike violence, but I must admit that it was sometimes the only thing we could use if we wanted to come out alive in a tight situation. I have also used violence against our enemies, although I highly dislike it. I am happy that I was given abilities and spells that are mostly defensive or just confuse the enemy.

Makoto thinks that I sometimes am a bit too forgiving. She is very sensitive against injustice, and when she heard about the mistreatment I received from Yuu, she nearly went crazy with rage (fortunately, her rage usually disappears as quickly as it pops up). She hates Yuu with all her heart, and wants me to view Yuu as an evil human being, plain and simple. I know that I might be a little too rational and soft-hearted, but for me it is hard to hate. Makoto has no problem with hating people if they have hurt her. For me though, as long as history can be explained by rational arguments, I can usually cool down my hot feelings (again, it's just like with Beryl, whom I cannot make myself hate, despite the bad things she did to all of us). Makoto is the opposite; she is quick to act and usually does it before she thinks. It is just like when she defended me from my classmates' bullying that time when they had been possessed and brainwashed into thinking I was a cheater. Of course I appreciate that she stood up for me, but I was disgusted by the amount of violence she used, even though she always claims she was only using soft techniques.

Regardless, I love Makoto very much, and it is nice to have someone to talk to about past problems. Makoto has been through so much that she understands all my feelings and thoughts. She always says that I have helped her a lot too, making her see things through a more rational perspective. I am very happy that she thinks this of me. And in a way, I guess she has helped me in becoming much tougher, both physically and mentally.

Last but definitely not least we have the goddess of love – Sailor Venus, a.k.a. Minako Aino. She is a lot like Usagi, in a way (but maybe not _that_ much of a crybaby). Minako is bubbly, stubborn and sometimes completely crazy, but she is also extremely kind and loving towards her friends. She taught me a lot when it comes to enjoying life. She loves all kinds of sports and social activities, and she happily drags all her poor friends along into anything she does...including me. While I at first felt very dumb and embarrassed getting caught up in all Minako's crazy plans, I gradually learned to relax and just enjoy it. A girl like me needs a friend like that sometimes; a friend who can give me a kick in the butt when I am too shy to try out something new. It is true that many of her plans and projects have turned into disaster, but usually the results are quite innocent, and at the end of the day, you can just laugh about it. And it has given me a lot of good, new experiences. I learnt to appreciate the fun in life, and doing all those things, I learned what I really like and what I...maybe should not do again.

So there you have it: five quite different girls, but best friends nonetheless. It is funny how well we go together, despite the huge differences in our personalities. The battle against the armies of evil is of course a very important factor for keeping us together, but somehow, we really enjoy each other's company equally as much in the spare time. Sometimes I can feel a bit annoyed by the fact that I am the only intellectual among us. It is so much fun talking about boys, pop idols and TV shows, but sometimes, just sometimes, I long desperately for discussing math problems, metaphysical questions, quantum mechanics...anything. I could never do it in this group, though. Usagi, Makoto and Minako are not intellectual at all (they cannot even use computers!). Rei is probably the only one who has some intellectual prowess, but unfortunately, she also has very high ideals that always get in the way of that pure, philosophical, objective reasoning that I long for so much. You know, the joy of discussing a problem just for the sake of discussing it, not for trying to find an actual solution. Mamoru, Usagi's boyfriend, is intellectual, and I always love to talk to him...the few times I actually get to do that, that is. Usagi is so jealous and protective over her boyfriend that she always gets annoyed when another girl has a private conversation with him. I am a bit irritated by it, but it is cute, nonetheless. Usagi is just being herself, and I can never complain about that.

The others might think of us five girls as just good friends, plain and simple, but for me, it is so much more than that. My four friends mean life and death to me. They saved me from the pain and darkness and taught me to love life again. I can never repay them for all they have done, other than always being there for them myself, and being the best friend I can ever be.

I should probably stop here, when everything is so sweet. But there is one more thing I would like to tell you. One important event that made me realize that I could finally let go of my dark past and be reborn as a new human being.

One time, when we were fighting against the evil organization known as the Black Moon Clan, I was the unfortunate victim of a brainwashing spell that possessed my mind and twisted my thoughts (I briefly mentioned this a while ago). It is difficult to describe in words exactly what happened, but what I know is that it got very close to forever warping the beloved memories of my friends. When the spell took effect, I was absolutely sure that my friends hated me. I can swear that I heard them saying all those hateful things, saw them doing those angry faces, felt their rage pierce my body. I have since been told that it was nothing like that in reality, but for me, that is what my sensed perceived.

It was the most horrific thing I have ever experienced. My world nearly fell apart. I was sure that my friends had betrayed me, and that I was lonely again. I remember how the rage and angst filled my heart. I remember how I started hating them back. I remember charging up for an attack.

I remember that I actually _wanted_ to hurt my friends.

If I had hurt my friends at that moment, I would never have been able to forgive myself. However, that did not happen.

When all those hateful thoughts were screaming inside of my head, I sensed something. A tiny, frail voice called from deep within. It called out from inside my heart.

The voice spoke to me softly. It told me about all the good things my friends had done to me. It told me about all the love that they had for me. It told me that deep inside, I knew that my friends would never leave me. It begged me not to trust the lies that were currently raging inside my head.

And then I realized. I was not alone. I was not hated. My friends would never deceive me. The thoughts in my head were not mine. They were false, and they had been planted there by the enemy.

With that, I broke free from the dark trance. In one second, the dark thoughts were chased away and love and confidence filled my heart once again. I had broken free from the darkness. And I did this all by myself, by trusting my friends, trusting my true memories, and by trusting myself.

From that moment on, I knew I was reborn. I knew that I was not the shy, scared Ami Mizuno who used to hide away from others anymore. No, I was the strong and confident Ami Mizuno, who loved her friends and herself, and was loved by everyone. It was my biggest personal victory, worth so much more than any top score on any exam. I had not allowed my past to take control over me.

So this is me. Ami Mizuno – the quiet bookworm, the proud sailor scout, and the bumbling tumbling teenage girl who gets into a mess together with her four amazing friends. All three sides are equally as important, and all of them make up what is me. I am no longer the repressed, self-doubting shadow that I once was. I still carry with me my old memories, and I will always do. Those memories hurt sometimes, but they do not frighten me anymore. I might have a bad day every now and then, but I will be okay. As long as I have my life, my friends, my parents, my mission and my love, nothing can stop me. I am happy. I am free.

And most important of all: I am me.

**THE END**

* * *

_Author's comments:  
Thank you for reading this story. It started out as a little drabble I did for myself, but eventually grew into something much bigger. To tell the truth, there is a lot of me in this story. Just like Ami, my parents divorced when I was very young, and I was always that shy intellectual kid in school (I was never bullied though, and I never had a nervous breakdown). Many of Ami's thoughts and feelings in this story are taken directly from my own heart. I guess I easily identify with her. Maybe this is why I like the character of Ami so much._

_Thanks again for reading my story. I hope you enjoyed it! I have more Sailor Moon fanfiction planned. Also, if you are a fan of Great Teacher Onizuka, you might enjoy the two stories I wrote for that show._


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